I don’t know what happened, I was just watching movies, two movies, to be precise. The first movie made me cry. I am sure it was because of the very explicit lines from some scenes in it. The second one, it was more like a compilation movie, which, you know, the kind of several movies being put together in one umbrella theme. I am not sure what makes me sad, made me really sad. Suddenly, I found my self burst into tears, like, really crying heavily. I remember the scene was when there was a couple of grandma and grandpa, they were walking together to the beach, just to celebrate their 63rd anniversary in silence. What the hell happened to me? I am still finding myself crying now, I couldn’t even put it into words, why? why?
I remember the last time I was being like this. It was 2 years ago, when I was kinda trapped in such a busy schedule, very busy schedule, and I got such a big responsibility, that was during the time I was appointed to be the head of our department’s annual event. I remember I was very frustrated at that time. All the crews that I had, they weren’t doing what they supposed to do, or at least what I told them to do. It was the time when I felt like I could not go on and handle this event, it was the time when I got trapped in that event’s preparation and piling school works at the same time. I remember that day, I just got back from one of the event’s meetings, I got home, but I could not go off of my car. Suddenly, I felt my cheeks getting wet, and there, I was crying heavily. I even called my mom, I told her I could not stand to be here in this city, I wanna go wherever I can, wherever except this city. I remember I said to her that I don’t wanna meet anybody, not even my closest friends, though I barely remember the reasons why. Long story short, I took some times off. I flew to Jakarta, and I did nothing there but stayed at home.
Recalling that bad memory, I still cannot figure out why I am crying insanely now. I don’t know what feeling this is, I don’t know what happened out there, whether this is a sign or something else. I am trying to stop for almost 30 minutes now, but I still cannot stop. Help, I think I need help. But I don’t even know who to call, as I cannot explain to anyone what I am feeling right now. I don’t know whether this is a form of depression that I am going through now, or is it because I am exhausted? I don’t even know what makes me exhausted if this is really because I am exhausted.
I guess I am just screwed. I cannot help myself.
can you tell me why I feel like blaming myself for the past three weeks where there’s a wise saying “don’t be afraid to fall apart, because then you can build yourself up again the way you want it to be”? indeed, I am falling apart. indeed, I am not strong enough. indeed, I am still living my life as it is, because I simply don’t know what I want or what I am good at.
Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, destiny is just a word created by a humanbeing who was righting what supposed to be wrong and this humanbeing was just trying to accept it? Or was it me talking nonsense?
Ever wonder how you suddenly can hit your low? That’s a hard part.
Ever wonder how you have to change your attitude? That’s the worse part.
Ever wonder how you cannot stand up and still let yourself feel depressed? that’s the worst part.
But have you ever wonder why such things can make you very depressed and lost all what you have been thought of? that’s the hardest part, even worse than the worst.
What the hell am I talking about? I’m not entirely sure. I just feel like I lost my direction and I lost my confidence. I just got lost and trapped inside this sad and lonliness. I got left behind, so far from the others. Meanwhile I knew myself very well, that I should have been better than this. But I don’t know why all of sudden, I just lost everything. This is the hardest part. To begin a new one or to continue the path, which probably the wrong path. Either way, I knew that I’m not strong enough or brave enough to face this fear.
I hate myself.